I am having extreme difficulty changing my shoes. Having watched your program from a very early age, I am aware that after removing a shoe, one should toss it from hand to hand before proceeding, yet my hand-eye coordination is so bad that I inevitably toss a shoe in the fish tank, or worse hit myself in the face with it. Help!
Sincerely,
"Shoe-Hit In The Face"
Dear S.H.I.T. Face:I can completely understand your problem. When I first started in this business, I was landing shoes everywhere. After I inadvertently filled his moat with stray sneakers, King Friday XIII finally signed a make-believe death warrant, which I negotiated down to 120 hours of make-believe community service. A side note: In the neighborhood of make-believe, "community service" means getting drunk. Once King Friday XIII was soused, I was off the hook.
Here are two thoughts about your problem:
First, dressing yourself properly takes practice. Wear a hockey mask, close the lid on your fish tank, board up the windows, lock your children in their bedrooms, and PRACTICE!
Second, when you're old and senile like I am your aim deteriorates drastically. But remember, for us big-time TV stars, there's always special effects. I haven't thrown a shoe in twenty years. In the mid 80's after I killed three cameramen with shoes to the noggin, jugular, and 'nads, my brilliant staff created a gadget we called "shoe on a string" to float the little sucker from one hand to the other. Now, thanks to the magic of green screen technology, I toss a little green beanbag and they turn it into a shoe!
So if you never master shoe-tossing, consider pursuing a television career where they'll take care of that for you.
Hope you have a snappy new day, neighbor! (snap, snap)
Aim high,
Mr. Rogers
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