I am a pregnant teenager who just ain't sure what to do. I'm not ready to be a mommy...or a mother...or a daddy for that matter. In fact, my lame-o boyfriend is such an dingleberry, I'm sure the baby is gonna come out with three heads and beer cans for hands. If the bees-tard bf wasn't so smooth in the sack, I'd toss him in the nearest snowbank. But mom seems to like him. What should I do about the baby? Should I tell my parents? Do you think they'll notice when I start showing? You've got to help me...what do I do?
Signed,
Wazzap in Wasilla
Dear Wazzap Wazza Wannabe Wasilla Wallflower (or whatever the hell pseudo-name-thingy you're going by today, Bristol):As a former mayor who shoots wolves from an airplane and can see Russia from my patio, I have all the answers to any possible question. I'm glad you came to me for straight talk. So I'm going to ignore your question and talk about Mars. Mars is a planet. It's red, therefore communist. And if the truth be known, it's right next to Chicago, where Barack Obama is from, and I'm not sayin' he's a commie, but he IS a liberal which is practically the same thing. So a vote for Obama is a vote for red commies who want to take away Joe Sixpack's great American way of life, dagnabbit. And another thing: As a lipsticky maverik outsider hockeymom pittbull, I just want you to know that I'm definitely in support of opposing the elite liberal regime where if they don't do that or the other.
Love and snarls,
S.P. for V.P.
P.S. Bristol, you know that if you want to have a heart to heart with your ol' ma, you have to make an appointment with my administrative secretary like everybody else. No more of this folksy fakishness writin' letters and what to your doing in the peace and prosperity of maverik and also.
Posts
